Nick Cain: The Gong Show and the Goon Show 2012

It’s the season of awards, from the BBC’s Sports Personality show to the New Year Honours. Gongs are being handed out at a furious pace after this year of sporting excellence. Here are some more…although they won’t all be received with delight by the various winners…
PLAYER OF THE YEAR: Richie McCaw
Kept going after winning the World Cup – the equivalent of scaling rugby’s Everest – to lead the All Blacks to 11 victories from their next 12 matches, including winning the inaugural Southern Hemisphere Rugby Championship. McCaw’s toughness, durability and professionalism highlighted the difference between New Zealand’s sustained drive for excellence and England‘s post-2003 failure to plan, culminating in the longest nosedive of any World Cup-winning side.
UPSET OF THE YEAR: England v New Zealand
No-one saw it coming, Nostradamus included. England’s big win was long overdue after a decade of losses to the All Blacks, but this one was almost worth the wait. As comprehensive a beating as New Zealand have suffered since being dumped out of the 1999 World Cup by France at… Twickenham.
TRY OF THE YEAR: Jonny May (Gloucester v Harlequins)
Jonny May’s virtuoso effort against Quins in February can’t be beaten for speed and flair. The Gloucester strike runner beat four Quins defenders on the half-way line, and then used his wheels to burn off another four.
GAME-CHANGER OF THE YEAR: Manu Tuilagi (England v New Zealand)
Tuilagi’s eight minute burst in England’s victory over New Zealand was simply brutal: First the backhand offload for Barritt’s try, then smashing past Carter, McCaw and Smith to put Ashton clear, before picking off Reid’s pass for the intercept try.
INTERNATIONAL NEWCOMERS OF THE YEAR:Joe Launchbury, Eben Etzebeth, Wesley Fofana
A tale of two locks: Launchbury was superb for England in his autumn series introduction, while Etzebeth (South Africa) has the makings of another Bakkies Botha. From the beasts, to a beauty of a stylish French centre: Fofana has explosive speed and power, and an almost feline grace.
STEAL OF THE YEAR: Scott Williams (England v Wales)
England’s demise started with Williams stripping the ball off late replacement Courtney Lawes before romping to the line.
AWAY WIN OF THE YEAR: England in Paris
Unfancied and callow, England found a few extra gears to send the French packing in Paris, with Tom Croft’s turbo-charged run the highlight.
CLUB UPSET OF THE YEAR: Harlequins at Connacht
Harlequins scuppered their Heineken Cup knock-out hopes by losing to Connacht in Galway, after Gloucester had given them a gift-wrapped bye by thumping Toulouse.
PASTING OF THE YEAR: Ulster v Leicester
Ulster’s total dismantling of Leicester at Ravenhill en route to the Heineken Cup final.
COACHES OF THE YEAR: Joe Schmidt (Leinster) and Rob Baxter (Exeter)
Schmidt vowed to make Leinster the best passing team in Europe, and he delivered on his promise as the Irish province battled to a second successive Heineken Cup title, running Ulster ragged in the final. Baxter is why English rugby must keep promotion- relegation – without it coaches like him and clubs like Exeter would not have had the chance to show they can compete with the best.
COCK-UP OF THE YEAR: Stade de France / FFR
The failure of the French Federation to ensure that the Stade de France pitch was playable despite the long range weather forecast predicting the big freeze, leading to France v Ireland being cancelled, and treating travelling supporters like lepers.
FIGHT-BACK OF THE YEAR: Michael Lynagh
Michael Lynagh’s fight-back from a life-threatening stroke – the former Wallaby fly-half and Sky commentator is one of the game’s gems.
HEAD-BANGERS OF THE YEAR: Joe Ansbro and Alasdair Strokosch
Ansbro and Strokosch sent each other Highland-reeling after leaping into the player huddle from opposite sides as the Scots celebrated their win over Australia in Newcastle, NSW. The clash of heads left both players with blood pouring from their battered bonces.
AMBUSH-MARKETING OF THE YEAR: Roger Lewis
The (rejected) RWC 2015 invitation from Roger Lewis, the WRU’s chief executive, to the RFU, asking the host nation to stage the England v Wales pool game in Cardiff, soon after the old enemies had been drawn to play each other in the ‘pool of death’.
FROZEN FINGERS OF THE YEAR: Wesley Fofana
The Clermont centre would almost certainly have ended Leinster’s quest for a second Heineken Cup on the bounce if he had not fumbled the ball in the act of grounding it in the semi-final at the Stade Marcel Michelin.
SPEECH OF THE YEAR: George Hickinson
The address by George Hickinson, the former soldier and friend of Stuart Lancaster, who presented the match jerseys to the England players before their game against New Zealand. A few weeks later Hickinson passed away after a long and courageous battle against cancer.
WORST CONDITIONS OF THE YEAR: Australia v New Zealand
The Australia v Scotland game in Newcastle, NSW, was played in a howling gale. England arrived in Rome to find the city, and the Stadio Olimpico pitch covered in snow, before their match with Italy, after the first snowfall in decades.