Peter Jackson’s alternative list for Winners of 2019

Any day now a new decade will be greeted by gongs booming out across the land for the great and the good. After long weeks of painstaking deliberations, The Rugby Paper presents our very own alternative New Year’s Honours List, acutely aware that some of the ‘winners’ will be less than thrilled.

Jeremy Corbyn’s vote on how to make your biggest day a loser:

And the winner is: Eddie Jones. England’s head coach confessed to making two selection mistakes over his starting XV in the World Cup final – picking Mako Vunipola ahead of Joe Marler and leaving Henry Slade out of his midfield.

The Methuselah Bowl for staggering on against the odds as presented by the Hollywood centenarian Kirk ‘Spartacus’ Douglas:

Karena Wihongi, still going strong at the sharp end of the grunt ‘n’ groan trade, his natural habit since leaving New Zealand almost 20 years ago. Now in his 19th season, a sequence broken only by one winter in Lancashire with Sale, he’s still packing down for Castres into his 41st year.

Gold medal for the fastest exit as donated by Usain Bolt:

Dan Evans for the fastest red card of all time, 37 seconds into Ospreys’ home tie against Racing. His action ends Craig Joubert’s monopoly of the category in honour of his dodgy sprint from Twickenham within a second of blowing time on the Scotland-Australia quarter-final in 2015.

For the first time in living memory the James Joyce prize for writing by a second row forward has a contender:

Donnacha O’Callaghan. Explaining why Wales win Grand Slams despite their regions’ annual capitulation in Europe and the PRO14, he wrote this in The Times on the day of the Wales-Ireland decider: “These are not the Clark Kents you know from Ospreys and Scarlets. They’ve got their capes on for this.” O’Callaghan is either the next Roddy Doyle or he has a smart ghost writer.

The coveted Sealed Lips trophy as sponsored by Trappists Incorporated and rebranded in honour of Eddie Jones:

Danny Cipriani. “He (Jones) said more about me in a book than he’s ever said to me,” the unfulfilled English protégé lamented. “He’s never said two words to me but I found out everything I need to know from him through a book.”

Unflinching courage in the face of the cruellest enemy:

Doddie Weir. He makes every day seem a triumph for the human spirit, raising more than £5m for research into finding a cure for Motor Neurone Disease. Tom Smith, another Scottish Lion who packed down in front of his compatriot during the winning 1997 series in South Africa, has shown the same indomitable bravery in his fight against cancer.

Roy Keane rant of the year for ‘catastrophic mismanagement’:

Mike James. In a resignation speech shortly after the clumsy attempt to amalgamate Scarlets and Ospreys, the Swansea region’s chairman gave the WRU both barrels: “I cannot and will not be a party to this level of catastrophic mismanagement. We now have the worst of all worlds: a lack of clarity, lack of transparency and a total inability to plan ahead.”

One short sentence for the Wallaby whose interpretation of the Bible resulted in Australian Rugby being hit by a claim of $14m for wrongful dismissal:

Israel Folau.

Matthew 7 verse 1: ‘Judge not, that you be not judged.’

Folau had preached a sermon: “Warning drunks, homosexuals, adulterers, liars, fornicators, thieves, atheists, idolators HELL AWAITS YOU.” (His capitals). Nigel Owens, whose courage in coming out as gay ought never to be underestimated, hit the nail on the head: “There are some things in life you can choose. Sexuality is not one of them.”

For recognising the Rugby Union Writers’ Club’s Personality of the Year award as very well worth turning up to receive:

Johnny Sexton. The two previous winners, Owen Farrell and Dan Carter, failed to attend the annual West End dinner. Carter appeared via video link from Paris, Farrell gave the bash a miss. Sexton, injured and in some doubt for the Six Nations, had a reasonable excuse to do likewise and stay at home. The humble Dubliner not only appeared but paid his own way.

David Attenborough red card for savaging the king of the jungle:

All those responsible for the emaciation of the Lions. Nobody seems to give a monkey’s for the grand old tradition of the touring team making pilgrimages to small towns in far-flung places.

For taking one of Donald Trump’s more egotistical sayings (‘I have always won, I’m going to continue to win and that’s the way it is’) and throwing it back in his Presidential face:

Salisbury RFC. In a very competitive field, their claim to top the Pointless League seemed hard to beat. Pontcynon may revel in their self-proclaimed title as ‘The World’s Worst Rugby team’ but Salisbury’s record in South-West 1 East of the RFU pyramid stands out: Played 14, Lost 14, average defeat 15-44. Total points: -2. And to think that Richard Hill, arguably England’s greatest back row forward, used to play for them.

Marco Polo super de luxe sat nav system:

Joint winners: Demba Bamba, Damian Aldegheri. On and off, off and on so often against Ireland in Dublin that before the end they can’t have known whether they were coming or going. The crowd certainly didn’t. The tightheads replaced each other six times, starting with Bamba’s yellow card. Tactical changes meant one was off and on, the other on and off in the 13th, 20th, 63rd, 69th and 79th minutes.

Nominated for initiation into the Gorsedd of Bards in reward for ‘enriching Welsh culture’:

Sebastien Vahaamahina. Not content at throwing the wildest of passes which George North gleefully turned into seven points during Wales’ revival in Paris at the start of the Six Nations, the French lock with five As to his name went one better during the World Cup. France were sailing towards the semi-finals and Wales for the exit when he elbowed Ross Moriarty in the face. French supremacy dissolved with the clearest of red cards.

The Kitch Christie memorial prize for proving that it takes months, not years to create a World Cup-winning team:

Rassie Erasmus produced his champions in fewer than 18 months, not as quick as Christie in 1995 but faster than the rest.

PETER JACKSON