Now that Elon Musk has ushered in a new age of space exploration, it may not be long before an astronaut sets foot on the distant planet inhabited by the people running Rugby Union.
There cannot be an alien of advanced intelligence anywhere in the heavens who could understand the workings of World Rugby: a governing body without the power to govern, as demonstrated most recently by their decision to sanction a list of “optional” coronavirus- conscious law trials. It took some of their own members rather less than a nanosecond to exercise their option not to bother with any of them.
So, in the spirit of inter-galactic fellowship, The Rugby Paper has reached out to little green men wherever they may lurk in a bold effort to unravel the mysteries, old and new, of a sport capable of baffling entire solar systems.
Q: How did rugby get its name?
A: While the history books tell us that a cheating scholar at Rugby School invented the game single-handedly by picking up the ball and running with it, some chroniclers suspect the true evil genius was a master in the science department who had grown bored with the numbing simplicity of classical physics and decided to create something more complicated.
Q: Why are there two forms of the sport?
A: Some say the split occurred when salt-of-the-earth working men in the north demanded payment for playing, but failed to persuade those hyphenated Hoorays down south who were rich enough to do it for fun. Others say it was because the northerners didn’t like scrummaging.
Q: What’s the key difference between the codes?
A: There is no contest for the ball in Rugby League, where teams have six goes at scoring and hand over possession when they fail. Everything is contested in Union – unless Exeter are playing. They’re allowed to keep the ball for six hours and ALWAYS score eventually, often because the opposition are on the last bus home.
Q: Is one game faster than the other?
A: League lovers claim their brand of rugby is twice as quick as the other kind, but as the action stops after every tackle, the accuracy of this statement is open to dispute.
Q: Why do referees have cards of different shades?
A: You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. As well as yellow cards, for heavy tackles between chest and neck, and red cards, for slightly heavier tackles between neck and chest, we await the introduction of orange ones. No one knows what they’re for, so the assumption must be that the colours run when the refs start sweating. How long before we see cards based on the Harlequins shirt? That would be a life-enhancing development. Especially if you’re Monet.
Q: Which country has the biggest number of talented players per head of population?
A: Probably Fiji. Perhaps Samoa. Maybe Tonga.
Q: Those guys must be really tough to beat, especially in the islands.
A: Who can tell? No one ever goes there. There’s more chance of international teams visiting Mars.
Q: Name one thing the game can claim as a unique selling point.
A: The British and Irish Lions. There is nothing remotely like it anywhere else in sport: a glorious coalescence of deep-rooted tradition and thrilling immediacy, sharpened by a sense of adventure and blessed with the precious elements of rarity and unpredictability. No marketing executive could have dreamed it up. It’s too good.
Q: Wow. Sounds like a treasure. Is there a protection order on it?
A: Not exactly. In fact, the guts are being ripped out of it. Bigger squads, shorter tours, fewer Test venues, less fun…everything a Lions trip was never meant to be about.
Just lately, a former boss of English rugby suggested rescheduling next year’s visit to South Africa in favour of a World Cup that wasn’t a World Cup. You can’t put a price on that kind of blue-sky thinking.
Q: How is rugby addressing the difficulties posed by the health emergency?
A: The non-governing governing body is recommending the suspension of try-scoring celebrations in the interests of social distancing. This will be a challenge for everyone except Ospreys, who put themselves ahead of the curve by giving up on tries entirely, and Italy, who never saw the point of them in the first place.
Q: Is that it?
A: Certainly not. There are plenty of ideas out there: fewer scrums, smaller mauls, faster rucks, single-use water bottles, multiple kit changes and cleaner balls, so to speak. For the average low-grade club team, each of these changes would transform the game into something unrecognisable. Especially the last one.
Q: So what about a really radical move, like a sharing of Test gate receipts or proper co-operation between clubs and countries?
A: I know you live light years away, but we’ve had enough science fiction for one day.
CHRIS HEWETT
